A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted. The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife. “Fetch the Bible,” the owner said. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner. “Now find Psalm 23,” he requested. The dog dropped the Bible to the floor, and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and, finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog.
That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were quite impressed. One man asked, “Can he do regular dog tricks, too?”
“I haven’t tried yet,” the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at the dog and said, “Heel!” The dog jumped onto a chair, placed one paw on the pastor’s forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head. The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, “Good Lord! He’s not a Baptist, he’s a Pentecostal!”
It was Palm Sunday, but because of a sore throat, 5-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home they were carrying several palm fronds. Johnny asked, "What are those for?"
His father told him they were palm fronds and that, "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by."
"Wouldn't you know it," Johnny sadly said, "the one Sunday I don't go to church and Jesus shows up."
Our pastor was teaching Proverbs 16:24: "Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones."
The minister then added, "You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar."
My wife leaned over, put her head on my shoulder, and whispered in my ear, "I just love to watch your muscles ripple when you take out the garbage."
An elderly couple admitted by St. Peter through the Pearly Gates found conditions there just heavenly. So the man turned to his wife and ruefully said, "We could have been here two years ago, if you hadn’t fed us all that oat bran, yogurt and healthy food."
The church was badly in need of a coat of paint. So the pastor decided he'd do the job himself. But all he had was one bucket of paint. So he got a bunch of buckets and some water, and he thinned the paint enough to cover the entire church. Then he spent all day painting. That night it rained—very hard—and washed all the paint off. The pastor was quite discouraged and asked God, 'Why GOD? . . . Why did you let it rain and wash off all my hard work?'
To which God thundered his reply, 'Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!'
Seen on a sign while passing by a church:
"Get in touch with God by knee mail."
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names and a small American Flag was mounted on either side of it.
The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and quietly said, "Good morning Alex." "Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"Pastor McGwire, what is this?" Alex asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to the men & women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 8:45 or the 11:00?
An inexperienced young preacher was to hold a graveside burial service at a pauper's cemetery for an indigent man with no family or friends. Not knowing where the cemetery was, he made several wrong turns and got lost. When he eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the backhoe was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say to the other, "You know, I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."
During his children’s sermon, our assistant pastor asked the kids, "What is gray, has a bushy tail, and gathers nuts in the fall?"
One five-year-old raised his hand. "I know the answer should be Jesus," he began, "but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me."
A small town had four churches Presbyterian, Methodist, Catholic and Baptist.
All four had a serious problem with squirrels in the church. Each church in its own fashion had a meeting to deal with the problem.
The Presbyterians decided that it was predestined that squirrels be in the church and that they would just have to live with them.
The Methodists decided they should deal with the squirrels lovingly in the style of Charles Wesley. They humanely trapped them and released them in a park at the edge of town. Within 3 days, they were all back in the church.
The Catholics also humanely trapped them and attempted to teach them the "rhythm" method which of course did not work very well.
The Baptists had the best solution. They voted the squirrels in as members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter!
“What’s wrong, Bubba?” asked the pastor.
“I need you to pray for my hearing,” said Bubba.
The pastor put his hands on Bubba’s ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, “So how’s your hearing?”
“I don’t know,” said Bubba. “It's not until next Tuesday.
A guy is at the Pearly Gates, waiting to be admitted to Heaven, while Saint Peter is leafing through the big book to see if the guy is worthy of entry.
Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life, but, you never did anything bad either. I'll tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was the time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a group of bad biker guys gathered around this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough there were about 6 of 'em who were about to cause this sweet, innocent girl a lot of trouble."
"Very concerned for the girl's safety and feeling unusually courageous, I got out my car and walked straight up to the leader of the gang - a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a tire iron in his hand. As I walked up to the leader, the fierce threatening gang formed a circle around me. I faced them fearlessly, (you would have been proud of me), and yelled at them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson!'"
Saint Peter is very, very impressed and says, "Really? It's not in the book? When did all this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."
Late for a seminar and unable to find parking, I pulled into a spot behind a church. It was only after I’d gotten out of the car that I spotted this sign: "No parking. Forgiveness is our business, but don’t make it harder than it already is."
As my five-year-old son and I were heading to McDonald’s one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for whoever might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."
From the back seat I heard his sweet, earnest voice: "Dear God, please don’t let those cars block the entrance to McDonald’s."
Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will now".
The pastor asks his flock, “What would you like people to say when you’re in your casket?”
One congregant says, “I’d like them to say I was a fine family man.”
Another says, “I’d like them to say I helped people.”
The third responds, “I’d like them to say, ‘Look! I think he’s moving!’ “
One Sunday morning my sister Liz was surprised to receive a phone call from her minister. He reported that he’d just been in a minor car accident and asked that when she got to church if she could inform the rest of the congregation that he’d be unable to conduct services that day.
Liz was deeply flattered that out of the entire congregation, she was the one he had called—until the minister went on to say that since Liz was always the last to arrive at church, he knew she would be the only person he could still reach at home.
While teaching children about world religions, a teacher asked her students to bring a symbol of their family's faith to class.
The next day, she asked each student to come forward and share the symbol with the class.
The 1st child said, "I'm Muslim, and this is my prayer rug."
The 2nd child said, "I'm Jewish, and this is my family's Menorah."
The 3rd child said, "I'm Roman Catholic, and this is my Mom's rosary."
The 4th child said, "I'm Greek Orthodox, and this is an icon of my patron saint."
The 5th child said, "I'm a Baptist, and this is my casserole dish."
"Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and my cat and me. Oh, and please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess."
A mother was preparing pancakes for her boys, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. When the boys began arguing over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw this as a marvelous opportunity for a moral lesson.
So she gently explained, 'If Jesus were sitting here, he would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait."'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, 'Ryan, you be Jesus!'
"I hope you didn't take it personally, preacher," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."
"I did find it rather disconcerting," the Pastor replied.
"It wasn't out of any disrespect to you," insisted the church-goer. "Fred has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.
The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward he dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet Saint Peter. Seeing the suitcase, Saint Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to Saint Peter that he has special permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, Saint Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. For some reason they're allowing you one carry-on bag. I must admit I've never heard of them doing that before, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
Saint Peter opens the cherished suitcase to inspect the priceless, invaluable worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and incredulously exclaims, "You brought pavement?"
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
On a sign in front of a church:
"If you're waiting for a sign from God,
before attending church, here it is."
Thank You for the baby brother,
but what I prayed for was a puppy.
Why is Sunday School on Sunday?
I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest?
Are you really invisible or is that a trick?
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and after church asked, "Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?"
Tommy answered soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!"
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times, but there is a Higher Power. "Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"
In church, the pastor had just announced that it was time to sing a hymn. A little boy sitting next to his mom said, "Mom, I hope we sing the one about the bear!"
"The bear? Honey, I don't think there is one about a bear."
"Yes there is mom! It's a cross-eyed bear named, "Gladly".
Puzzled, the mom then realized that her son was talking about the old hymn, "Keep Thou My Way" that contained the phrase: "Gladly, the Cross I'd Bear."
"The Lord is my Programmer,
I shall not crash.
He installed His software on the hard disk of my heart;
all of His commands are user-friendly.
His directory guides me to the right choices
For His names sake
Even though I scroll through the problems of life,
I will fear no bugs, for he is my backup.
His password protects me.
He prepares a menu before me in the presence of my enemies.
His help is only a keystroke away.
Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life,
And my file will be merged with His and saved forever."
As long as there are math tests, there will be prayer in schools.
The last time we changed from daylight savings time, a preacher friend posted, “For those who habitually show up 15 minutes late to church, allow me to remind you that tonight is the night you set your clock back 45 minutes.”